


We’re little minnows in a small shark tank

by LiviKate



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Age of Consent, Blushing, Crack, Discussions of sex, M/M, Parental Viktuuri, Yurio is shameless
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-30
Updated: 2016-12-30
Packaged: 2018-09-13 08:47:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9115711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiviKate/pseuds/LiviKate
Summary: Viktor and Yurio discuss the age of consent when visiting the US. It goes about as well as can be expected.





	

**Author's Note:**

> There is A LOT of talk about Yuri being underaged in the YoI! fandom. Which is cool, and good, and worth discussing. I wrote this because I thought it was worth saying, and why not make it funny if you can? I'm not trying to start a fight, just trying to give the point of view Yuri might have if he were asked his opinion.
> 
> Told more or less from Viktor's point of view, so Yurio is used. 
> 
> Title from Dent in the Moon, by Watsky

“Now, boys,” Viktor began, already smiling at the angry furrow marking Yurio’s brow. “We’re in America now, and some of the rules here are different. We don’t need you two getting us into trouble.”

“I don’t follow rules well,” Yurio grumbled, leaning against the wall outside the airport as they waited for Leo to come meet them.

“He really doesn’t,” Otabek agreed. His face was as blank as ever.

“Well you’ll have to try,” Viktor carried on. “In America, neither of you are allowed to drink.”

“I’m Russian,” Yurio whined. “Beka is about to turn nineteen. How old is the drinking age?”

“Twenty-one,” Yuuri replied.

“That seems like an arbitrary age,” Otabek commented, but seemed unbothered. As always. Viktor frowned slightly. He could never get a reaction out of that man.

“This is a terrible place.”

“Now, now, Yurio, you’re just saying that because you’re Russian.” Yurio shrugged, not bothering to deny it. “There’s more bad news,” Viktor continued, grabbing Yuuri’s hand for support.

“What’s worse than not being able to drink at a party?” Yurio grumbled and Viktor and Yuuri winced.

“You two aren’t legally allowed to have sex here,” Viktor said slowly, watching as Yurio’s face flushed dark red, first with embarrassment and then quickly followed by anger.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” he growled. “Why are you even talking about that?”

“Leo’s coach was gracious enough to host us for his birthday party. She would probably be bothered if she knew, or _heard_ anything unsavory.” Viktor stressed carefully, rubbing the back of his neck. He wished he’d let Yakov do this for him.

“Why would it bother her so much?” Yurio challenged, pushing off the wall to step into Viktor’s space. Yuuri took a step back, pulling his fiancé with him.

“Because you’re sixteen and the age of consent in this state is eighteen.”

“Beka is barely two years older than me.”

“He’s almost two and a half years older than you,” Yuuri corrected, edging back again as Yurio continued to advance.

“ _Still_ ,” he protested, snarling at the pair of them.

“Still, you’re considered a minor and can’t have sex with someone who is considered an adult. Skating is international, and so are we. We’ll try to respect their rules while we’re here in America. We are from a different world. But right now we’re here. We don’t want to make our hosts uncomfortable.” Viktor was really wishing he’d brought Yakov along. He was still a new parent, he thought you were supposed to have years to prepare to give your child a sex talk.

“Would it make Americans uncomfortable to know that Beka and I fuck each other all the time at home?” Yurio asked mockingly. Yuuri went bright red beside him.

“It’s making me uncomfortable right now,” he squeaked. Yurio grinned evilly at them both.

“Would it make Americans uncomfortable, to know that at sixteen, I’ve already done things their seventeen year olds haven’t?”

“Their popular media seems to be very conflicted on the subject of teen promiscuity, but legally, yes, they’d be uncomfortable,” Viktor hedged. A father should never have to hear such vulgarities from his child. Yurio was just doing it to spite them. He snarled once more before turning around and beginning a slow stalk to Otabek, who had remained calmly by their luggage, silent and expressionless as always.

“Would it make Americans uncomfortable to know that Beka fucks me like a gentleman, and only when I ask?” Viktor pinched the bridge of his nose and looked skyward.

“Yes, I’m sure it would.”

“I’m incredibly uncomfortable. Still,” Yuuri added helpfully, looking toward the street helplessly, as if willing their car to appear sooner.

“Would it make them uncomfortable to know that Beka, the Prince of Kazakhstan, flubbed all of his jumps last practice because he was still sore from the night before?”

“I am tempted to tell Yakov that. I won’t though, if you stop talking about it. Please, God, stop talking about it.” Viktor looked back to the tiger to see that he wasn’t even paying attention to him anymore. Instead, he was currently dedicating himself to taking up all of his boyfriend’s personal space, posturing in front of him, tilting his neck, one hand running down his chest. None of this ridiculous charade was for Viktor, or Yuuri, or America anymore. They were in a world all their own.

“Would they be uncomfortable to know that Beka sucked my cock on the plane?” he asked the damp space at the base of his partner’s throat.

“You’d have to speak to Delta airlines about that one,” Viktor answered feebly. He was so fired as a parent, this had rapidly spiraled out of his control.

“What would America think, if they knew how hard it is to breathe, when you kiss me?” Yurio whispered, his voice as dark and sultry as Viktor had ever had the misfortune of hearing it.

Viktor cast a helpless glance towards Otabek, hoping that the older boy might have more sense than this. But what he found was something he’d never seen before. A dark blush stained the top of his cheeks, his ears were cherry red and his mouth was curved into an unapologetic smile.

“Oh my god,” Viktor groaned, eyes covered. “He likes it.”

“What?” Yuuri asked, refusing to look back their way, eyes firmly glued to the road. He had the right idea, Viktor thought, as Yurio swung a leg up in his typical show of flexibility, to rest on his boyfriend’s shoulder.

“His theatrics. Otabek’s grinning like some besotted loon,” Viktor grumbled, pulling at Yuuri until he was close enough to hold on to, draping himself over his back. “Yurio’s doing all of this just to make him smile. He doesn’t even care about his point anymore.”

“Like father like son, then,” Yuuri muttered quietly, dropping a quick kiss on his forearm, where it was wrapped around his shoulders. “The things we do for love.” Viktor sighed and looked back, only to see Yurio wrapping himself around the older skater, hands gripping his hair in big fistfuls as they kissed. Loudly.

“We’re going to get arrested,” Viktor said faintly, seeing it all flash before his eyes like a terrible premonition. “We are terrible parents and our son is going to get us all arrested.”

“Only in America, my love,” Yuuri said consolingly. “In Russia, all will be well again. In Kazakhstan, we won’t need this conversation. In Japan, we would never even ask.”

“It’s too late,” Viktor groaned pitifully. “We know too much. _I can hear them_ ,” he whimpered in his fiancé’s ear, trying to block out the sound of their mouths.

“The boy has stamina, I will say that,” Yuuri said dryly, refusing to even look in their direction. No doubt they ere still tangled together, Yurio’s leg still stretched high over his partner.

“He gets that from you,” Viktor murmured lowly in his ear, pressing a kiss on the delicate skin just below.

When Leo pulled up in his mother’s old minivan, both couples were kissing. Intently. He drove around the airport twice to give them time to finish up. The car ride was awkward to say the least, with Yuuri tomato red, Viktor cracking jokes that only made him redder, Yurio grinning smugly and telling anyone who spoke to him to shut up, and Otabek sporting a bright red hickey high on his neck.

**Author's Note:**

> lols murder me
> 
> I have so many Yuri headcanons that it is genuinely hard to pick one. I think that he would be really sex shy and embarrassed at first, but that he would grow into his sexuality and use it like a weapon against Viktuuri, especially when they try to get more parental. 
> 
> Comment below and we can scream about our angry little kitten together.


End file.
